Over 95% of our lives are run by subconscious programs! What does this mean? Our minds are like a computer, and our subconscious mind is like our mind’s base operating system. The programs running in the operating system are typically functioning outside our conscious awareness. Our habits, attitudes, thought patterns, and stories emanate from the subconscious and are the programs that run over 95% of our life. The following is an example of how subconscious programs can show up in relationships.

Weight gain, feeling frumpy, not exercising, and telling horrible stories pretty much sums up where I was at the time of the big explosion with Randy. It actually makes me cringe to think about it now. I guess I have some shame around it. However, I think it’s a story worth sharing because I don’t think I’m alone.

One thing I have learned is that whatever I am going through emotionally, it really is about me and what I’m telling myself. I can try and blame it on someone else, but when I’m honest, the issue lies within me. It is the truth of our psyche, and it is why blaming is futile. If you want to get better, you have to look within where the subconscious programs reside.

In our first real heart opening with each other immediately following the big explosion, Randy was honest with me in what he was feeling. Brace yourself, because if you’re female, these are some of the hardest words to hear from the one you love: “I’m no longer attracted to you.” Geez this hurts!! When Randy said those words to me, I took it in like a knife straight to the gut. Part of me wanted to dive into crying, reeling in physical pain, feeling like there was something wrong with me, but there was something else present – a new wisdom. The new voice was saying, “Wait a minute. Don’t get all dramatic. Listen to what he is saying. It’s almost killing him to say it. He doesn’t have ill intent.” “Remember, whatever you’re feeling, you have to look within.” I took some really deep breaths… Hmmmm…take stock of yourself in this situation, Kathy. Attraction is based on energy more than actual physical attributes, this I know. And… Oh My God!!! I’d really done it again. I was honest with myself, and this was the truth:

I had let myself disavow all that was important to me for this relationship. At what cost, again?! The cost was Me!! This was the biggest lesson of my divorce. I was such a co-dependent that I had completely lost myself in the marriage while trying to fill my needs with my ex and the marriage. History was repeating itself even though I thought I had learned my lesson. Major aha moment!

As I unconsciously sabotaged my self-esteem by eating poorly (following Randy’s habits), not exercising (again, not a habit of Randy’s), allowing myself to be the last priority in our relationship, and trying to fill my needs with the relationship and him, I had whittled my self-esteem down to dangerously low levels. Not only did I feel frumpy, I exuded frumpy. Yes, my energy was frumpy. I was NOT in touch with my inner Goddess! I sent her to a remote island while I fed on fast food cheeseburgers and fries.

As the lightbulbs came on with this truth, I didn’t get mad at him, I felt gratitude. I needed to hear this. This is not who I wanted to be, and I was serving no one by being this person. It was not about my body shape. It was about how I was feeling and the energy I was putting out: low self-esteem and frumpy. I think I felt my inner Goddess kick me in the ass in that moment. She was pissed at having been exiled again!

While I was engaging in these not-so-healthy personal habits, I found I had been falling down elaborate rabbit holes of near nightmare proportion. These rabbit holes were wild tales of how Randy was not living up to my standards in so many ways, he could not be trusted with my future, and we were going to end in some dramatic tear-filled crisis. Realize these are stories that could go on for chapters. I wouldn’t become consciously aware of them until I was deep into the gut-wrenching ending. The story would typically start when Randy didn’t live up to some expectation I had subconsciously set. By the end, I’d be filled with a feeling of near dread. The story time happened when I was typically alone.

Then, we would come together again at the end of the day. I’d look into his eyes, be in the present moment with him, and the bad-ass story would fade away. He hadn’t actually done any of the things I imagined. Everything again was fine. Well kind of. Let’s pause a moment in this self-admission of insanity and bring in some mind science.

Remember these facts about the subconscious mind:

  • Always recording
  • Literal
  • Doesn’t know the difference between fact and fantasy
  • Programmed to be right
  • Picture consciousness


While I’m imagining these stories of Randy emotionally hurting me in terrible ways, my mind was recording everything about these stories, taking the stories literally, and by God, it’s goal-oriented, so it’s going
to make sure that it creates the reality I was writing with my sabotaging imagination. See how this works??!

Our minds are all powerful! Now what in the name of insanity would be driving my mind into such negative, sabotaging story lines? One simple answer. A core subconscious belief/story: I am not enough. We all have some form of these shame or scarcity programs, and they are ingrained at such a young age that we aren’t usually consciously aware of them until we start doing our inner work.

My mind was making sure that my reality reflected “I am not enough”. Would I have realized this if Randy had not been honest with me about how he was feeling? No! Although it was so hard to hear, I needed to hear his truth. Instead of me taking on his truth as my own, I used it to see MY truth: I have a misguided program sabotaging the good things in my life. The other half of the truth is – he has it too, and his was playing out as well.

I snapped out of frumpy and took steps to regain my self-esteem. I have established a daily practice of hiking or skiing in nature for anywhere from 45 minutes to a couple of hours. It’s a ritual for me and a top priority. I feel so much better. The exercise seems to work out any of the negative thoughts and stories I am telling myself, and by the end of the hike or ski, I feel great and positive about life. Eating is back on track as well. Many times, we eat different food at mealtime with each of us cooking for ourselves. It is the method that seems to work for us.

I have never felt so close to another person as I do to Randy. I feel like I’ve already exposed my less-than-desirable aspects, so I’m not so scared anymore. By exposing all of me to Randy, I have come into greater acceptance of all that is me. Once I’m in acceptance, the negative projection fades away.

Relationship seems to be my greatest source of learning. I find it therapeutic to share, and I dearly hope it is beneficial!